{"id":259,"date":"2012-08-23T13:47:06","date_gmt":"2012-08-23T13:47:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.sandralangston.com\/?p=259"},"modified":"2012-08-23T13:55:23","modified_gmt":"2012-08-23T13:55:23","slug":"bits-of-useless-information","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.sandralangston.com\/?p=259","title":{"rendered":"Bits of useless information"},"content":{"rendered":"

Cultural differences, aside from creating consternation, can be amusing, \u00a0Thank goodness.<\/p>\n

A wedding! \u00a0 People on wedding days seem to be filled with excitement and pleasure, jockeying in their cars, honking loudly up and down the main street, dressed to the nines, smiling and laughing… \u00a0Of course! \u00a0 \u00a0But did you know that these people prepared themselves mentally for this day thinking, “Oh god, another expensive gift to buy, \u00a0another day lost in an\u00a0excruciating marathon of \u00a0eating, \u00a0seven hours or more at a huge table with people who are mostly strangers, \u00a0milling around aimlessly in the parking lot…How many minutes until we can leave?” \u00a0 It is the dark side of Italian weddings. \u00a0The day the invitation arrives is when the dread begins.<\/p>\n

There is a chain of supermarkets which are called “Conad.”<\/p>\n

Italians eat healthy, slow \u00a0food! \u00a0But there are entire stores dedicated to huge bins of \u00a0frozen things, where you can buy bargain amounts of \u00a0things like frozen pasta and breaded anonymous fish products, industrial crepes, frozen chopped onion, eggrolls, and \u00a0kebab filling.<\/p>\n

A guarantee for a new hot water heater, loudly proclaimed on a huge orange sticker, \u00a0offers service during the warranty period. \u00a0It is called the “Pass Gas.”<\/p>\n

An instant cappuccino-type coffee drink which used to be available \u00a0in most markets in the U.S. was called “Cappio.” \u00a0 This is the Italian word for a \u00a0hangman’s noose. \u00a0No wonder it failed!<\/p>\n

When you stop for a fill-up, you might find yourself in the cryptic \u00a0“Self Area.” \u00a0Sometimes you may even end up in the the “Hyper Self Area,” \u00a0a mysterious zone which conjures images of \u00a0egotistical types milling about, frenetically \u00a0gesticulating \u00a0while mumbling \u00a0their existential motives for using gasoline…<\/p>\n

Shopping in a department store \u00a0in the U.S. with my husband, at the escalator we discuss where to go next. \u00a0People look askance at us hearing the words “die” and “jew” over and over. \u00a0“Dai, andiamo giu’!” \u00a0(C’mon, let’s go down!”)<\/p>\n

Why do people have little dangling red pepper clusters on their rear view mirrors, I wonder… \u00a0Do peppers bring good luck? \u00a0No, these are supposed to be horns of the bull, red I suppose is a masculine color… and they represent protection from generic evil forces, not membership in a mysterious vegetable sect.<\/p>\n

My sister, who doesn’t speak Italian, often laughs at our conversations. \u00a0 She hears the words “fart” \u00a0and “fat” over and over, and wonders what on earth we are talking about! \u00a0(“Farti,” to make you something, or make you do something, and “fatto” which is the past tense of the same verb “to make or do.”)<\/p>\n

Once a year here in Metaponto, \u00a0the folks who consider themselves religious follow a strange ceremony. \u00a0They send a saint out to sea and back. \u00a0 But a standing saint could never balance on a choppy sea, which is the reason, I assume, that they send out half a saint, the upper half, and wave him off, gently bobbing toward the horizon. \u00a0After a short time \u00a0he returns safely \u00a0to shore after a bargain cruise of half an hour. \u00a0The seashore is once again a safe and blessed place.<\/p>\n

It took years for my relatives to relax around my family here. \u00a0They were convinced that we were fighting almost constantly, and would huddle in corners waiting for the storm to subside. \u00a0They have since realized that no, \u00a0loud vocals and gesticulation are simply what constitutes \u00a0normal conversation.<\/p>\n

A new addition to the traffic flow: \u00a0roundabouts! \u00a0Unfortunately, however, the rule is that one always gives way to the car coming from the right, so folks here cannot grasp that in the roundabout they must yield to the car coming on the left. \u00a0Beware a roundabout in Italy!<\/p>\n

There are dumpsters all over for garbage, as there is no residential garbage collection. \u00a0So why, if you have placed your precious garbage in a nice tidy sack, tied and compact, \u00a0do people carry it in their car for a few blocks and throw it out the window? \u00a0Did it suddenly become an unbearable burden, a concept so overwhelmingly unacceptable, that a few more yards became impossible \u00a0to bear?<\/p>\n

A famous maker of automatic gates and doors is called “Faak.” \u00a0Given that the soft “A” has a phonetic sound similar to the sound in the word “luck,” \u00a0 this commercial where the gate squeaks the product’s name over and over has given me many solid moments of hilarity. \u00a0Say it!<\/p>\n

If you live outside of town, your electricity and phone service arrives via lines on wooden poles. \u00a0Your service will be \u00a0regularly interrupted however, due to two causes: \u00a01)Roving groups of Romanian opportunists have taken all the copper wire again during the night or 2) some farmer has burned his wheat stubble, and also the bottom halves of the poles. \u00a0It is a common sight, a line sagging to the ground with a foot or two of wooden pole hanging at intervals from it, like a necklace of blackened toothpicks.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“Wheat Field on Fire” \u00a0oil on canvas<\/p>\n

Keep an eye on teenage parties. \u00a0There is always beer, and there often are plenty of hard alcoholic products. \u00a0That is simply how it is done here. \u00a0You can fight but you can’t win.<\/p>\n

Everybody loves gelato! \u00a0It is good. \u00a0My husband makes gelato in his beach establishment. \u00a0 And it is excellent. \u00a0But I know that the “fresh” ingredients of the stuff come in big white bags and industrial steel canisters. \u00a0The milk does arrive fresh daily, however.<\/p>\n

Why do women, so exceptionally stylish and \u00a0composed, the height of world-famous fashion sense in the winter, dress like hinterland \u00a0prostitutes in the summer?<\/p>\n

It is not a good place to be a snake, any kind of snake. \u00a0Snake equals bad. \u00a0Hide!<\/p>\n

You will have to study hard and pass the exams to get yourself a gun. \u00a0It will have to be kept in a locked, dedicated safe in your home. \u00a0Once bought it can be kept with no problems, as long as you don’t use it. \u00a0But if you buy any bullets, each one will have to be accounted for, and the authorities will come down hard on you if they discover that one of them is missing.<\/p>\n

“Bernalda,” an unfortunate name. \u00a0Every time we have business dealings with other parts of Italy we have to explain: \u00a0“No, not BernaR<\/strong>da, BernaL<\/strong>da, with an “L.” \u00a0 You can almost hear the smirk over the phone line. \u00a0You see, “Bernarda” is the slang name for the female genitalia.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“Benevolent Dysfunction,” \u00a0 mixed media on paper<\/p>\n

<\/div>